Dun Dun Da Dun :)


Ahhhh so much to talk about guys! I seriously have no idea where to begin since it all happened around the same time. Hmmm. First of all, Cassandra is with me right now and she’s still here until the 10th. It’s been awesome seeing and hanging out with her again. It’s like we didn’t miss a beat even though so much has changed since she’s left. Cass got to meet E and all of our friends and we’ve been having a chill time, other then NYE.

NYE was pretty crazy, as expected. The beginning of our night sucked because we had to stand out in 30 degree weather while we waited to get into the venue and that was just pure torture. We all huddled and tried to keep warm but it really didn’t help. Once we were finally inside, it was just as amazing as I had pictured it in my head. It was around 10:30pm and the Palladium in Hollywood was packed! There were all kinds of people everywhere dancing, drunk, even more then drunk and just having the time of their lives. We met up with some more friends and before we knew it, we had a HUGE group to party with. We made it to the front of the stage and started dancing our asses off ( we went to a concert with a whole bunch of djs; kristina sky, atb and gabriel and dresden). I was super happy because I have had a horrible 2010 year (those that have been following my blog know all about this) so I was happy that 2010 was ending and 2011 was a fresh beginning for me.

I started off having a good time but Cassandra did not. There were a lot of people there and the music was crazy loud so we figured out that she was having a bit of an anxiety attack. She didn’t want to dance so we sat down on the side and just chilled for awhile. I wasn’t going to put one of my best friends through torture by dancing when she was feeling miserable. I have anxiety and panic attacks all the time so I knew what she was feeling. Unfortunately, I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do to help her feel better. Over time of us sitting and walking around, she finally felt better. I was so glad because I wanted her to have a great time. Eventually, we were back dancing and having a fantastic time. It was fun celebrating the new year with friends and even meeting some new people as well.

The night seemed to go on forever but when it was over, we had an after party to go to that we were even more excited about. I’ve been to a lot of after parties at this friend’s house but this time was the BEST. His house was so packed that everywhere you turned around, there was more people. It actually got to be overwhelming at times so we hid in my friends room and talked, smoked weed and listened to music. There was a dj there but it was too much to be out in the living room dancing with so many people so we just waited for people to leave. Now our concert ended at 4am and our after party went strong until probably around 9-10am. At that point most of the people left and we ended up with all the cool people that we knew. At that point the party became more chill and we were just hanging out. I had to take some people home to sleep but I like to be the last man standing so I went back to the party afterward for some more fun. It was a special occasion since I’m putting my partying/dancing shoes away for awhile, to save money and focus on more important things, so about 8 close friends including myself decided to shroom. This was my second time but first time with so many people. We had a freaking blast laughing our asses off and bonding together. I even almost got to hook up with this one chick but she pussied out just like I knew she would. I even told E that it wasn’t going to happen and I was right. I was mad at first but oh well. I don’t chase pussy so if it was meant to be then it would have happened. It was funny though because I was naked and she was topless while we were in front of 6 or 7 other people. I was just laying in the bed making out with her and E, and just laying there masturbating. It was hilarious now that I think about it because in any other situation, that would have been extremely weird but everyone was totally cool with it. I find it so funny the situations I get myself into. If this was 5 years ago, that would have NEVER happened! lol

Finally, it was Saturday evening and we were exhausted. E and I had fucked for a couple hours and realized we were gone for awhile so when we came back, everyone had crashed. I still wanted to keep partying (like usual) but I figured it was a sign that we should get some sleep too. Unfortunately, I could not sleep when everyone else could. I guess that comes with the territory when you like being the last man standing. I was getting so pissed at myself because I couldn’t focus on sleeping and my body was beyond exhausted. I didn’t know what to do. I realized I was still naked so I put warm clothes on and before I knew it, I was out. When it was time to get up, I was a zombie and could barely move. I went home and slept forever. We figured out that I slept around 35 hours after that and I definitely needed it. I have to say though, that New Year’s is going down in the history books. I usually have boring New Year’s so it was fun to switch it up for once.

Now to the good stuff! While E and I were partying, we took a few hours to sneak off and talk. Yes, JUST talk! The whole night was chaos so we didn’t get to talk or even make out. We started discussing our love for each other (yes we are that mushy of a couple) and how much we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We’ve been talking about marriage since day 1 because like I’ve said in other entries, there was just something about him when I met him. We connected on a level that neither of us have ever connected before. To be truthfully honest, I did expect it to calm down a bit like most relationships but instead, it’s multiplied. Every day I wake up to him, smile and think of how lucky I am to have him in my life. When I say he’s perfect, I’m not exaggerating. We’re on the same level about EVERYTHING so when we started talking about marriage again, he goes, “fuck it, let’s just do it!” I know, so romantic but my eyes lit up and I said, ‘are you serious?” I knew he was and my stomach got in knots and butterflies and I felt like I was going to explode. I asked, ‘WHEN?’ We decided that this Saturday would be perfect because Cassandra would still be here! Vegas sounded like the perfect idea and when we could fully afford it, we’d have a real wedding with everyone there. We kept going, ‘Omg! We’re really going to do this!’ We ran outside and instantly told everyone! Some were happy then others and even though I didn’t want to hear peoples concerns, I respected it. They all care and want to make sure we’re making the right decision but I KNOW we’re doing the right thing. If I could pour my heart out into words to fully show everyone, including you guys, how much love I have for him so you could see, then I would. Sitting here typing this is so hard because I feel like I’m not fully expressing myself. Hopefully, you guys get the picture.

I know our engagement wasn’t formal but why does it have to be that way? Yes, I want him to propose on one knee eventually, but we still need to get rings. I’m really picky so we have to go together but none of that matters to me. I just want to be his wife so it doesn’t matter how we do it. However, we did decide that Saturday is way too soon. I started planning it out and realized it was nearly impossible so we decided on June 18th to be our wedding date. Cassandra will be back then and it gives us plenty of time to get it all together. Now that the date is set, I’ve been looking online at dresses, rings and even our honeymoon. Cassandra is coming into down to go to the Electric Daisy Carnival on June 24-25th so our wedding is the weekend before and then we’re going on our honeymoon the weekend after EDC. It’s going to be a busy month!!

I seriously could not be happier or more excited! I don’t think I’m special or different then anyone else but I have had a hard time throughout my 25 years. It hasn’t been easy with relationships, money, family, friends, school and a million other things. I’ve been on my own since 17 so everything I have is because of my hard work. I wish it was easier. I wish I was in school. I wish money wasn’t an issue. I wish I hadn’t lost so many friends because of me choosing to do porn but such is life. Shit happens and I had to deal with the consequences. So I would love to throw a huge wedding and invite everyone, I’d love to have more to show for in my life right now but I’m doing the best that I can. I was really ready to throw in the towel after my last relationship. I have never been treated so poorly and I lost hope in love. E saved me; he really did. I suppose I would have made it but I see things so differently now. I know that these hard times in my life are only going to make me stronger and that I’ll look back on all of this and just laugh it off. After all of the hell I have been through, I’m glad it happened because it lead me to E. As much as it hurt, it was all worth it. I’m not one to give good advice but when you think things are hard and they’ll never get better, stay strong and believe in yourself. There’s always going to be that one person on the other side of the mountain with a hand reaching out, to pull you out…..I know that’s corny but it’s truly how I feel.

Okay that’s enough corniness for one post. It feels good to update so hopefully I make this a habit. It really is like my therapy. And I could seriously sit here and talk about E and I all day….ha but I won’t šŸ˜‰
Here’s random pics from NYE at the top and other events below. Sorry there aren’t a lot of Cassandra, we were too busy partying instead of taking pictures….whoops! šŸ™‚
Now excuse me, I need to go back to jamming out to some DMB!! Ā xoxo


Playing catch up

I haven’t really updated you guys on what’s been going on in the last few weeks. I’d have to say that not a lot has happened but yet a lot has happened. I know, I make no sense but let me explain. Last time I wrote, I talked about how happy I am with E. Since then it’s gotten even better! We spend almost all of our time together which is bringing us even closer. I forgot what it was like to laugh so hard that I cried and then had my abs hurting the next day. He’s hilarious, witty, fun to be around, smart (sometimes too smart where I feel like I should go back to high school), sweet, romantic, goofy, sexy, and a million other things that I could go on and on about. When I just look at him and he smiles at me, I literally feel like I’m out of breath and that happens too many times in a day for me to count. He seriously is a dream come true.

Lately, E and I have just been relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. For my birthday E and a bunch of his friends (aka- ‘rave family’) and my new roommates went to another rave called the Fuzzy Festival, which they renamed my Birthday Bash Extravaganza of Epic Awesomeness and it was exactly that! The rave was out in the desert of Victorville, Ca so we got hotel rooms since the rave wasn’t supposed to end until 4am. When we got to the hotel there was quite a bit of drama (all in which I was not tooĀ surprisedĀ about because usually when my birthday rolls around, anything that can go wrong, usually does). The drama was because my roommates hotel room that they were supposed to get, wasn’t available because the hotel said that the reservation said 1 person with 2 beds so they wound up giving them a room with just a king sized bed and they had 4 people to one room. They were pissed and then they were asked to leave when the hotel management saw that they had 2 small dogs with them. According to the hotel, the reservation also didn’t say that my roommates were bringing 2 dogs so the hotel told them that they had to leave. Our rooms were right next to each other for a reason so I was pissed that they would have to go to another hotel. I was fuming and went down and talked to the chick behind the front desk and worked it out. I was going to just pack all of my shit up and go with them but we kept the room so we could come back and party in it since they wouldn’t give me my money back. It turned out though that the new hotel that we went to, was way better, bigger and we could still be right next to each other. After we saw our new rooms, we realized that we wouldn’t be going back to the other hotel.

We got ready to go, hopped in a cab and party time was on! The rave itself was freaking awesome. It was beyond cold outside so that sucked but the stages were in tents so that helped. Only shitty part was that it got SO hot inside so when you went outside to cool off, you’d freeze as soon as you walked out. The music was awesome, we made new friends like usual, I danced my ass off, got amazing light shows and just had a blast overall. Unfortunately the rave ended an hour early so I was upset about that but we went back to our hotel and kept partying. Some people (without mentioning names) were ready to tap out early Sunday morning but I kept everyone up since it was my birthday. I am ALWAYSSSS the last one standing so I tried to keep everyone with me as long as I could.

Once everyone tapped out for the most part, E and I were still up and VERY horny! We went back to our room, had to kick someone out of our bed and then there was another couple in the bed next to us. It was this 18 year old couple we had met earlier in the night and I was into the chick for a minute until we go to the hotel room and we found out she was only 18. Yes, she might be legal but that’s WAY too young for me. Since E and I were so horny, we started fooling around even though they were passed out in the same room. We tried to be quiet but during the 3rd (yes I said THIRD) hour of us fucking straight through, they started to stir. I wasn’t sure how they would react so we tried to be really quiet and then all of a sudden we heard them fucking. We both tried to keep it quiet and then it seemed like they were trying to compete with us or something. If I got louder, she got louder and so on. It was soĀ bizarreĀ but hot at the same time. I was nervous she’d try to jump in but they stayed in their bed and we stayed in ours. We fucked for another hour, maybe hour and a half, and we had to stop because it was time to check out. Otherwise, we would have kept going for who knows how long. Want to know the best part of that whole fucking session?? I squirted an INSANE amount! It got to the point where I would squirt, stop for a few seconds and then be squirting like crazy again. When we were done, the bed was fucking SOAKED! I’ve never squirted that much and it felt amazingggg!

After we got home, we recovered for the rest of the day and the same with Monday. Tuesday was my actual birthday (the 23rd) so E and I went to Venice beach. I wanted to lay on the beach for most of the day but it was cold and for some reason the beach was blocked off. I also wanted to go to Venice because I wanted to treat myself to a medical marijuana card so I did. It was nerve racking but I got my official card! Since then I’ve turned into a little stoner but only because I’m excited that I can buy weed legally. Good stuff.

My Thanksgiving was very quiet. I spent it with E. My family is in PA and our roommates went to Texas so we cooked just for the 2 of us and just watched movies and I got him addicted to the Sons of Anarchy. Overall it was a laid back holiday which was nice for awhile. Now I’m excited for New Years. I actually keep forgetting about Christmas because for once, I’m doing something really fun for New Year’s. Cassandra Calogera is flying back to Cali and spending 10 days with me starting on the 29th and leaving on the 10th. We’re going to a rave called Giant to see some big name djs and our group that we’re going with that’s confirmed so far is at about 10-15 people right now and still growing. We have a place that we’re going for an after party and everything so it’s going to definitely be a New Year’s to remember! As for the rest of the time that she’s here visiting, I’m not sure what we’re going to do but I’m going to try and make it epic so she really does decide to move back. Seeing her on the 29th is going to be the best reunion ever!

Some other things that have went down were:

  • I shot for Reality Kings again and they posted the update only a week later. You can go and check it out at bignaturals.com and see Alia Starr and I have fun with Voodoo.
  • My twitter got suspended like I mentioned in the entry before. I still haven’t heard back from them yet so hopefully my account gets out of suspension soon so I can talk to everyone again!
  • As I also recently posted, I’m up for the ATK babe of the year. I was down by a lot and because of you guys, I’m at number 1 and with a good lead. I believe there’s still a few weeks of voting left so I’m going to have to keep an eye on it and make sure I stay at the top. Thank you to everyone that has been voting, I really appreciate it!
  • For my birthday and because of Thanksgiving, I took a break from p90x but I’m getting back at it this coming week. I was feeling so good about myself while doing it, especially because I was down 15lbs, but now I feel like shit without it. I can’t wait to get started again and see how much more weight I can tone up and lose.
  • My squirting situation is at an all time high right now. I think it’s a connection thing because when I’m fucking E and look into each other’s eyes, I almost automatically squirt all over the place. It’s crazy that it’s taken this long for it to happen but I love it! It’s really messy but it feels amazing! Ah, just thinking about it makes me horny!
  • As far as work goes, I wanted to give you guys a heads up. I’m planning on giving up porn after the beginning of the year. It’s just in thought mode right now but my heart isn’t into anymore. I really would like to make the necessary moves to getting my ass into school and just living a “normal” life and starting a family. I’m actually happy with my personal life and I want to be intimate with E and only E. E is not the one telling me to quit or anything, he’s actually been the one suggesting that I start a new site. He’s completely supportive but I’m head over heels for him and want to be only with him. That’s as real as I can get. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved making movies but with the amount of girls that are now in the business and the lack of work, I’m tired of fighting. Nothing is set in stone and I change my mind as much as I change my underwear but it’s been on my mind a lot, so I wanted you guys to hear it here first. I’m also looking into getting a “real” job and getting back intoĀ civilianĀ life. Like I said, nothing is for sure yet and I’m looking into working a bit more before the new year. Please don’t be too sad guys!If my twitter is recovered, I’ll still keep it and keep in touch with you all as well as still blogging about the events in my life. I won’t completely go away, I promise.

I think that pretty much sums it all up. I’m beyond happy with my life right now, other then the few things that need to be tweaked. I’ve eliminated a lot of bad people in my life and I’ve really seen a difference. You guys have been so supportive and I can’t begin to thank you enough! Oh! And I was thinking, I might post naughty personal videos here and there on clips4sale.com I don’t have an account right now but E and I want to make ‘dirty movies’ so maybe I’ll do that once and awhile. Again, just a thought!

Love you guys! xoxo

Here’s some random photos from my birthday and other events. Enjoy šŸ™‚

ATK Babe of the YEAR!!

I know my popularity has gone down tremendously since last year but last January I was ATK’s first babe of the month. I was so excited that I won sicne it was based on FAN votes. Now the contest has gotten more popular and I have kind of fell off the radar but those that still keep in touch with me, I’d be so grateful if you could vote as often as you can to make me ATK’s babe of the year! I’m sure I won’t win because there’s some amazing competition but it would make me very happy if I won! You can vote as many times as you want and right now I’m REALLY far behind! Please vote and tell everyone you know to vote for me too! I love you guys!! Thank you in advance!

Here’s the link:

You can seriously vote as MANY times as you’d like!! If you have some time to kill, please keep re-voting!! šŸ™‚




I don’t know what to do guys! I went to sign into my twitter and it says it’s been suspended. I tried to send a ticket to support but it kept saying that there was an error. It also told me to check my email because they’d email me with what to do but I got nothing šŸ˜¦ Have you known about someone’s account getting suspended and if so what did they do? Can I get my old account back or do I have to create a new one? To be honest, if I have to make a new one, I probably won’t. I love twitter but the response isn’t the same and it took me forever to get where I was after my first account got hacked. All of this because of a topless pic? No warnings? Ugh, this is lame! Help!!!


This is what it looks like.


I’ve watched a lot of girly-mushy-romance movies where the girl is swept off of her feet in a crazy and dramatic way and I sit there watching, going, “really?? That shit never happens!” I never understood that connection and how it could consume you because it never happened to me. I’ve met guys, liked them, dated them and for one reason or another, it didn’t work out. I thought I loved them all and some I did care deeply for but now growing up and seeing things in a new perspective, I don’t think I was ever in love. ‘I love you’ gets thrown around so easily and I feel that people forget the meaning of the words, myself included.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 off-and-on again years. It was a nasty break-up and that’s why I haven’t been online much lately. He’s already moved out and we barely speak now but I had to do it. If you read my previous entries, you know what lead up to this point and why I had to do what I did.

I’m actually sitting here pondering on how to put what I feel into words and it’s pretty fucking hard. When I met E, something clicked. I don’t care how corny or sappy it sounds, I just knew that when I met him that it was for a reason and I had to take the risk of finding out why. I didn’t want to jump right into dating someone new, especially after I had been through so much heartache with my now ex, but when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach and you just KNOW that it’s going to work out, you can’t help but not turn your back on it. If I would write out on a piece of paper the things I want and don’t want in a guy/relationship, it would come across like I want perfection. Who doesn’t? E is what is on the paper in every way and I joke that he must be a mind reader because he keeps doing everything right! E and I just click and everything just fell into place. Everything! He had friends that needed a place to stay who are older, mature and have their shit together so they have been perfect roommates so far. They just needed a place for a few months because they put a bid on a condo and just waiting to hear back from it. They’re great people and I feel like all of the missing puzzle pieces of my life and finally coming together. I still have a lot of work to do but it’s SO much easier to focus on the present and more importantly, the future when you’re actually 100% happy.

I could go on and on about what I’m feeling but I’m still trying to make sense of it. I just wanted you guys to know that I’m doing well; hell, WAY better then just well! I’m so fucking happy and every day it keeps getting better and better. I’m trying to take it as slow as I can but the heart wants what the heart wants. I feel like I was supposed to meet E so I’m going to enjoy my time with him and hopefully my search has ended. Thank you so much to those that have been supportive. Whether you agree with my decisions or not, I’m glad that you’re here.

Pouring My Heart Out

I’m hurt by the people around me but I can’t expect them to understand. I don’t blast all of my personal business around so how could they understand without knowing all of the details? What I don’t get is why argue with me and talk down to me because of your ignorance and judgement?

Here’s the deal: Since my last post, a lot has changed. I want to start off by saying, you can have your thoughts and opinions but I did what I believe was the right decision. I want and deserve to be happy and sometimes people get hurt along the way. I never want to cause pain to anyone for any reason so it kills me that people have gotten hurt but that is life. I’ve been hurt a million times, thought there was no way out of it but life moves on and you just learn to deal and start over.

To be blunt as possible, my boyfriend and I are no longer together. The first time he cheated on me back in November of 2008, I should have ended it then. That was before I even started porn and we were just a “normal” couple. I was 100% into the relationship and he wasn’t and I had to suffer. I knew that despite all of the pain that I felt, he was a good person and maybe if I hung on and tried even harder to make the relationship work, just maybe he would wake up and realize how great of a girlfriend I was and be in love with me like I was with him. I took him back and then the summer of 2009 while I was in Cali working, he cheated on me again because he was lonely. Since he had cheated once and I knew he had a problem, I offered an open relationship since I was going to be traveling so much and I didn’t want him to cheat behind my back again. He declined it. I thought things were a little better but little did I know, he went back to an ex of his and fucked her while I was away; possibly even more then once but I’m still not sure. I found about this AFTER we had left Florida to live in California and at that point we had uprooted our lives so what was I supposed to do? I wanted to ship his ass back to Florida but money was tight and he begged me to give him one more chance. I didn’t want to but I did it anyway and we hit even rockier times. Once we finally got our own place you would think that we would be better but we fought constantly. I tried for a short while to make it work but eventually I just gave up and so did he. Actually I’m not even sure if he even tried at that point at all.

In February of this year, I moved out and got a place with Cassandra Calogera. At that point was when he kind of woke up and realized that it was over and he lost me. We wereĀ separatedĀ for 6 months before we started talking again and hanging out casually. I just wanted to be friends but he was trying every way to convince me that he was different and we should try one more time. My gut told me it was a bad idea but before I knew it, we were back together back in July/August. Ā He did act different and tried more then he ever had but as much as I saw the change, my heart and feelings for him did not come back. I had used all my energy trying but I hung on hoping that maybe one day they’d start to come back and everything would be ok. This was not fair to him but he wanted this to work so badly and that was me in the beginning so I was willing to try one final time.

We started raving together because he knew that I loved it and wanted to make me happy. We also thought that possibly it would help us become closer but it just covered up the hurt feelings that were still there. I had fun raving with him but it didn’t change the way that I felt. All of this time though I wasn’t sitting there going, ‘I am so miserable and unhappy.’ I felt more like I was numb. We had our happy moments and good times here and there but I wasn’t head over heels for him like I was back in the beginning. When we went to see Oakenfold and I met E, I had no idea what was about to happen. I wasn’t looking for a replacement. I wasn’t trying to fuck over my boyfriend or play paybacks. When I met E, we just clicked and there’s nothing I could do about that. I can’t turn my feelings off and on or make them do what I want because if that was the case, I would have turned my boyfriends feelings on back when we got together and we would never be in this position now.

What now? Well my now ‘ex’ and I have to figure out living arrangements and a million other things since he had moved back in so it’s all sorts of complicated. He’s not mad at me and he’s not even mad at E. We were all friends at first and they both wish that we could all still be friends. It’s one of the most awkward situations I’ve been in but I’m glad it’s not a blood bath. I can’t make you, my ex or anyone realize why I like E or why I feel the way that I do because I can not find the words to express it all. Both E and I say, “no one will or could understand.” I’m not ‘with’ E but we do hang out a lot. We’re getting to know each other and whatever happens, happens, I guess. I wish I didn’t make this complicated situation worse but like I said, I can’t control it.

Now everyone around me is dogging me because I look like a horrible person for leaving one guy and going to the next. I didn’t want things to end like this. I DO want to be happy, more then ANYTHING, but I don’t my happiness to cause someone else pain. I am happy though and it’s weird because I forgot what it was like to feel like this. I hate being judged but I can’t expect anyone to understand so fuck everyone else. I don’t care if it’s just E and I and no one else. If the people around me are friends like they say they are then they’ll either be happy for me or they won’t. It’s time I focus on myself and no one else and I’m not gonna lie, it feels pretty damn good šŸ™‚

Let’s end on a good note; here’s the pics from Monster Massive. I had a freaking blast and my costume was a hit. I lost my wings halfway through the night because people kept bumping into me and they got ruined. Overall though, it was a good night and it by way too quickly. šŸ˜‰

Cloudiness with a chance of. . . heartbreak?

I’ve been doing SO good with being happy but of course with my black cloud hanging over my head, I had to come to a fork in the road. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to vent so I’ve come here. If my boyfriend reads this, so be it. We’ve already talked about this and we’ve gotten nowhere other then confusion, heartbreak and awkwardness. You must be wondering what the hell I’m talking about so I’ll explain and hopefully I can make more sense of it from writing it out. . .

This past weekend was way better then the last. I was beyond excited because last Friday I was going to see my favorite dj of all time, Paul Oakenfold. I’ve been a fan and have wanted to see him since I was about 15 so as soon as I saw he was coming to LA, I bought tickets. My boyfriend and I went together and we were really excited to get the night started. We got to the Music Box in Hollywood 2 hours early (tickets said 10pm so we showed up at 9 but doors didn’t open until 11pm) which sucked because I was all raved out in my corset and tutu so we had to walk around Hollywood like that. Luckily it’s Hollywood, everyone looks like a freak so I fit in perfectly. We killed some time and then went back and stood in line. Immediately my boyfriend started talking to people and we made friends. It passed the time and before we knew it, we were inside. I was really bummed though and thought we were going to have a bad night because of the crowd. The crowd was more trendy Hollywood bitches then a cool chill rave crowd. When people would bump into you, they’d just sneer at you and go along their way. At a rave when someone bumps into you, they say they’re sorry and give you a huge hug. Big difference.

We had to wait awhile to get into our happy place but the opening dj was good so I just danced around like a retard. 45min into dancing and having fun, I lose my boyfriend because he didn’t want to dance so I mingled and made friends. From that moment on everything is kind of a blur. I know I was there and I know what happened, but my memories fade in and out, lol. I remember dancing A LOT and leaving my boyfriend because he loves to massage people and I was bored. I wanted a light show but because of the crowd, I didn’t see many people with lights until I found this one guy. He was REALLY cute so I asked him if he would give me a show. He didn’t have gloves, just the lights that go in the gloves that are all tied together so he swung them around for me which was equally as good. He even let me do it which was SO much fun and really tripped me out. Tons of people came over all intrigued and it kind of freaked me out so I did a little sexy dance and then that was it, lol.

After my little show, the hot guy whose name is E (we’ll just leave it at that) sat me down and gave me a personal light show and this is when it all got crazy. I’m usually so into the lights that I don’t notice anything around me but this time, he locked eyes with me and that’s all I could focus on. That never happens. Being in your “happy place” makes you feel connected to people; like you’ve known them forever but this time it was. . . different. I wish I could sit here and put that emotion into words but I come up speechless. I just sat there and starred at him as my breathing became more and more intense. He stopped giving the light show, took my hands and we made out for what seemed like a lifetime. His energy was incredible. I’ve never felt someone’s energy like I did with him. As we were kissing, I felt like I was breathing him in and vice versa. His kiss was perfect, completely in sync with mine. Who knows how long all of this lasted but we finally got up and danced a whole bunch because by that time was when Chuckie (Oakenfold’s opener) came on and he was killing it! E and I danced together, made out a lot and apparently I had my camera and we took a lot of pictures which is one of those moments that are faded out. When I looked back at the pictures later, I was like, ‘when the hell was that??’ Finally at some point, my boyfriend comes back and says to E, ‘my girlfriend is a good kisser, huh?’ E freaked because we had gotten so caught up that I didn’t even mention I had a boyfriend. Whoops. My boyfriend was cool with it though and we enjoyed the rest of the night.

At some point we went upstairs and met up with E’s friends that he was there with. He’s part of a ‘rave family’ and everyone was really cool. My boyfriend got along with everyone really well and I barely remember a thing. I don’t know what it was but I went too hard and had to sit a lot and calm down. I definitely regret that because I hate being the ‘too fucked’ up one in the crowd. I finally calmed down a bit, with enough time to dance a bit more before it was over. Oakenfold was a disappointment and I enjoyed Chuckie a whole lot better. Oh!! And I also met a REALLY hot girl that I’m still hung up on, lol. She was this gorgeous asian girl who was all about me but then disappeared. We made out a bit and she said she wanted a gf but then vanished šŸ˜¦ Oh well.

The concert ended at 4am and E invited us to go to his place since he lived right down the road. I was all about that but I don’t remember the cab ride there or even being there much. My last good memory until I got home was us walking into his house, me smoking outside and then sitting in his room and us just starring at each other. I apparently smoked a lot of weed there and he was showing me videos and stuff but all of that is a blur šŸ˜¦ When we were getting ready to leave it was supposed to just be my boyfriend, myself, one of the guys that we had met in line in the beginning but then my boyfriend asked E if he wanted to come too and so then it was all four of us.

At home we got our bathing suits on and went to the jacuzzi at 6am, lol. It was overcast out so it was perfect. The jacuzzi felt sooo nice so we hung out there for awhile before going back inside. The hot tub made my happy place more intense and everyone else seemed to be calming down. I got massaged by E and my boyfriend which was incredible. The other guy was pretty messed up so he was real quiet and eventually laid down on the floor and fell asleep I think. My boyfriend fell asleep at one point too so it left just E and I. We smoked a bit, talked and made out even more. We have a lot in common and he’s a really smart and nice guy. He was great company to have and it was awesome that we could just sit there in silence and be cool.

My boyfriend finally woke up around 9 or 10am and asked if we wanted to go lay in bed. I wasn’t even close to going to sleep yet but I said ok. As soon as we got into bed, they were both all over me because I only had my bathing suit bottoms on. They both ravaged me and it was a hot 3some. I got fucked so hard and my pussy was just pouring out wetness. It felt amazing but my boyfriend tapped out early because he wasn’t feeling well and he fell asleep again. E and I kept fucking because I didn’t want it to stop. I got a little sore after awhile so we just cuddled and talked.

It was late afternoon by this point and the other guy wanted a ride home. I couldn’t drive so I had to wake my boyfriend up but it was such a chore to get him awake. I don’t even know how many times I tried before he got up. E and I were going to tag along to have something to do but before I could get dressed, my boyfriend had left. E and I watched some more tv, just vegged out and smoked a lot of weed.

When my boyfriend came home, he didn’t stay awake for much longer and I couldn’t wake him up. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep but with him, he can sleep whenever. Last time we went to a show, I stayed up by myself and it sucked. When you come down, you’re kinda sad, lonely and all you want to do is cuddle, make out and be touched; and in my case, fuck. I didn’t know what to do so I went back up to my bed since it’s comfier and I couldn’t get my boyfriend up so I left him down there. I was too sore to fuck so E and I just cuddled some more and did all the things I just mentioned. We watched some Family Guy, laughed our asses off and eventually fell asleep for awhile. I’d fall asleep and then wake up and couldn’t go back. I tossed and turned and when morning came, my boyfriend hadn’t come to bed. When I finally got up and went downstairs, I could tell he was pissed.

I found out later that he was pissed that he was left downstairs and when he came up to take my dog out, E and I were all cuddled up. I felt bad but I was coming down and cuddling with E felt nice. I didn’t want to be alone. I had just done that the weekend before and I didn’t want to do it again. I should have felt bad, but I didn’t. In a normal situation, that wouldn’t have happened but given the circumstances, it was what it was. Since I was so ‘whatever’ about it, that just pissed my boyfriend off even more. I couldn’t help what I felt and E made me feel good.

E hung out until Monday morning but Sunday night, he slept on the couch. I hated that idea because I wanted him to cuddle in bed too but I didn’t say a thing because I knew it would only make things worse. My boyfriend was pissed that E had crossed the line of just fucking. However, boundaries were never established and since I liked what was happening, I didn’t tell E he was doing something wrong because I felt that he wasn’t. Even after we had pretty much come down on Sunday, E was still cuddling with me on the couch and everything and even when we went to see Jackass, E kept touching and robbing lightly on me while we were watching the movie. I knew I should have told him to stop but his energy felt so good so I didn’t want him to stop. Everything E did, pissed off my boyfriend and I understand why. What made it hard for everyone was that we all got along so well otherwise so even though E pissed off my boyfriend, my boyfriend wouldn’t say anything about it. It got pretty awkward at times and even though I REALLY didn’t want E to leave, I kind of felt relieved when we dropped him off because most of the tension was gone.

After E was gone, things only got worse. My boyfriend and I fought a lot because now I was confused and didn’t know what to feel. Was E just an e-crush? I felt all this passion with E and my boyfriend lack in that department because of things that have happened in the past. I don’t trust him, 3x cheating does that so when E treated me the way I love and deserve to be treated, I simply just melted from it. I think E is a great guy and it might just be a crush but it made me open my eyes that I’m not happy. I love my boyfriend and I want to make it work but we have a lot of work cut out for us. I hope we can make it but I can’t control my feelings; they just are what they are. Now I’m stuck in a hard place trying to figure out what the “right” thing to do is. Do I stay and work hard and hope that my boyfriend and I can make it or do I break away now? Fuck, I hate being in situations like this. Why can’t relationships just be simple?


Here’s a few pictures. I look like hell at the end. I hate when no one tells me that my hair is out of control haha


I had taken a long break from raving because I had been going too hard and just simply needed a break. I missed it a lot but I needed to calm down and give my brain a break. The last time I went to a rave was EDC (Electric Daisy Carnival). Cassandra was my rave buddy but shortly after EDC, she moved back to CT. Saturday night was the first time that I put back on my dancing shoes without her and I was really sad about that.

This time I went to see Kaskade (one of my favorite djs) with my boyfriend. My raving spree occurred while I was single so this was the first time that he was going to anything like this. He’s not really a people person so I was nervous to see if he was going to enjoy it or not but luckily he had a blast.

The night started off with me not knowing what the fuck to wear. I had just bought a whole bunch of outfits, especially tutus but for some reason I talked myself out of wearing one. See, the raves I’ve been to have been actual raves but going to see Kaskade seemed like it would be a bit different. Sure the crowd would be the same but I thought wearing a tutu and getting all crazy would just be too much. I fought with my closet and was getting really upset because nothing looked right. I didn’t want to dress all crazy but I didn’t want to dress “normal” either. I finally decided on lacy leggings and a tank top. I didn’t go crazy on the makeup either, just black smokey eyes done by Zephora at the mall. Even though I wasn’tĀ ecstaticĀ about the way I looked, I knew in a couple hours, I wouldn’t care what the hell I looked like anyway, lol.

I’m sub leasing out my old apartment until November first but because it’s really close to Hollywood, my boyfriend and I parked there and had a cab pick us up and take us to the venue. I had read online that the doors opened at 8pm so while we were in the cab around 630pm we decided to pop our first pill. I figured it’d probably kick in around 730pm so we’d be ready for the show. We got to the venue around 7 and luckily we were right in the beginning of the line. Come to find out, the doors don’t open at 8 but instead, 9pm. Our pills start kicking in right on time so we tried to make it as least obvious as possible but my boyfriend talks and talks and talks so there was no way of hiding it, lol. While we were in line waiting, we met some really cool people. We met 2 girls Rachel and Tara, that always dress like nerds when they go to raves and they were with a really nice guy friend of theirs but I can’t remember his name. We also met Nadia and Danny who were a young married couple that we wound up hanging out with all night. There were other throughout the nite also that were really cool but so much of the night is a blur so I definitely don’t remember names.

I also was missing Cassandra a lot so I called her while we were waiting in line. We haven’t talked really since she moved out. It was nice to talk to her again and she said she wants to come back out and go to a rave with me like old times. I don’t really think that’s a good idea for her health wise but it’s not up to me to make that decision. I wish she would had been there last night though because I know she would have loved it.

Once inside, I was so excited to be there. The venue was awesome with a huge dance floor so as soon as the opening dj came on, we were out on the dance floor dancing our asses off. Usually at raves I’m actually pretty chill and just sit off to the corner and enjoy the music but I LOVE Kaskade so I made sure I was up and dancing the whole night. The venue also had a lot of bars so my boyfriend keptĀ disappearingĀ and coming back with more and more beer. The good thing about rolling and drinking is that it kicks in the roll quicker because the alcohol is thinning out your blood. It’s also very dangerous so I had to be careful. You also don’t feel drunk because of the pills so it’s a very weird kind of being fucked up. I rolled hard and felt like I was cumming in my pants over and over once Kaskade came on. We had heard that he wasn’t coming on until 1230am and was going to spin until 4am which is crazy because LA always shuts everything down at 2am.

Somewhere during Kaskade spinning I lost my boyfriend. Normally you’d panic in a situation like that but at a rave you’re just kind of like ‘eh, I’ll find him soon enough.’ Like I said, I was beyond fucked up, especially after getting some sick ass light shows. I think that’s where I met this guy George at. I’m a fucking make out whore when I’m rolling because it feels so good and makes you roll harder. Somehow I wind up with this guy, straddling him for what was probably an hour or 2, just making out. Finally my boyfriend finds us and you would think my boyfriend would be mad, but he wasn’t. I got so caught up in making out, that I didn’t even realize what was going on UNTIL I saw my boyfriend. He was so cool about it because I had told him how I was at raves and I wasn’t doing anything else other then kissing. I ditched George after awhile and went back to partying with my boyfriend. He kept giving massages all night which was so funny. Girls would be freaked out at first because they would be with their boyfriends and because everyone is rolling, it turns out to be okay, lol. At any other event, punches would be thrown and who knows what else but at raves, everyone loves each other in a way I can’t even put into words. You feel like you’ve known the people for a lifetime that you just met five minutes ago. It’s crazy and usually I stay good friends with people I’ve met at a rave even after it’s over. My boyfriend gave out his number to so many people and they all texted him yesterday asking if we got home okay. It’s so refreshing to meet so many nice people.

Finally 4am rolled around and that sucked because I never want it to end. Ever. We found a cab pretty quickly and went back to our old apartment because the plan was to go fuck on the roof of the apartment building. However, I freaked and thought we missed our place but instead we were a couple blocks before the apartment building. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking but it didn’t matter, we walked anyway because it sounded like a fun idea. Right before our building there’s a gas station so while we’re walking through, we see a couple broken down at the gas pump. My boyfriend can never pass on someone broke down so while we’re rolling our asses off, he helps the couple. It was really funny actually because he tried so hard to focus but everything took twice as long, or it at least felt that way.

Eventually we got their car running and were on our way. Instead of going on the roof and fucking we went to a club that’s right in front of ourĀ building. I used to go to that club a lot back when I went to a lot of porn parties but I haven’t been there much lately. However, the last shoot I did, was shot in there and that’s when I met the owner. He had told me that on Friday and Saturday nights, he stays open until 8am and a lot of ravers show up there so I told him he’ll definitely see me. He was there which was cool but even after paying $35 to get in, we didn’t stay long. We actually met up with some guy that was at Kaskade too so we took our final pill there and then my boyfriend drove home which was SUCH a bad idea. I remember trying to talk him out of it but because we were out in the cold and him working on the car earlier, he said it sobered him up and he was fine. Even so, it was not a good idea. Luckily, we don’t live far away so we got home okay but right when we got home, we started rolling again. It was then 630am and somehow some way my boyfriend passed the fuck out. I can NOT sleep while I’m rolling so I don’t know how my boyfriend could so I laid in bed until 9am and then took a bubble bath. BAD idea because the heat only intensifies it. I decided to go downstairs after that and smoke a bowl which again intensifies it. I couldn’t win so that’s when all of my crazy tweets came in, lol. It finally didn’t go away until 1pm. I finally got my boyfriend up for a little while and then we went back to bed until 7pm. I watched the end of the Eagles game, ate a little bit and then finally went to bed at some point.

Overall, I had such a great night. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like raving with my boyfriend but he’s a lot of fun and we had a good time together. I already have tickets to see Paul Oakenfold on Friday so that should be pretty kickass too. He’s a legend so I’m sure he’ll put on a great show.

Also today marks week one of p90x completed. I weighed myself and I’m down 7lbs. Everyone seems to be freaking out by that number but it’s just water weight. I’m sure by this time next week I might even have gained weight because of gaining muscle. Oh well, I’m just glad that it’s working! I still think I look gross in these pictures below but eventually I’ll be where I want to be. Enjoy.





PS- it won’t let me post both videos but if you go to my youtube page (misssierrraskye) you’ll find the 2 videos I posted.


I want to see how many people are still keeping up with me. I’m sure most aren’t, especially since I don’t advertise when I update my blog. I miss all of the interaction like I used to have with my old blog but I don’t write because I want attention, I write because I love to right and it’sĀ therapeuticĀ for me. Nonetheless, I do like to keep in touch with everyone too so for those that still stick around, this is for you šŸ™‚


Sorry for the chipped nail polish šŸ˜‰



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